very much my own man?
I dont think thats quite a good thing. Breakthroughs or break downs in my life have become so foreign that it seems all i think i need is- to go to a good uni, enjoy my pursuit of literature and history (or subjects along those lines) and all will be well. I will then take part in my over romanticized new york archi/journalist/branding career. You know that whole dry intelligent pop culture feel..that is very upbeat, modern and expressive...that would be fun...i almost feel like chasing after it. Actually i do. Alternatively, i could become an academic in the university/ analyst who does journalism part time...all this in a different city where i roam the land and world with my camera. (this is considering...i actually do well in IB and go to a good uni..and then do well enough to become what i want to be...because..getting a phd to lecture...hmm thats not always easy.heh.) After that, i will meet my very humanities based, sensible, humorous and intelligent wife. By intelligent, i hardly mean 88% for a lifetime's worth of chem tests, but rather the ability to analyze with maturity, with a hint of skepticism and humor. Of course the usual blend of an understanding, comforting and caring nature must be present before the astuteness is discovered, but the image of young yuppy success only arrives from the combination of the two. (and the striped shirt, and thick rimmed glasses, and loft apartment..with brick walls and black rims for tall window frames)More sensibly...as sern put it..she...must just 'know how to think la'.
I'm actually writing this post in two parts, I just got back from church small group and so decided to finish this post up. The above paragraph was written before i left. So..after leaving off on how my wishful post IB education life will turn out, i feel obliged to finish this whimsicle prediction. Before I left for small group, I would have written in a very bitter, sad, placid voice that family, which develops after marriage, would be another round, another generation of internal disagreement, an avenue for extended family self righteousness and more prideful suffering. Not to mention physical ailments that strike someone from the family for no apparent reason. Suffering is suffering la..you cant run away from it. So this was the tone that i had intended to write with. Now after writing it, i feel like sticking with it.
However what I did learn at small group today was that I dont think utter abandonment in routine life is really promoted in my home. Its often, I'm in control first, how should I deal with this situation. Neither is open thanks giving or out loud affirmation of Gods goodness. If God is raised, which is actually quite often, its to do with ministry, philosophy or church. I guess the gentle side is sometimes lacking. The quest to know God deeper is often promoted, but the lacking often lies in the preparation of the heart and the openess, avenue for allowance of God in my life. Ok, to be fair, maybe my dad does tell me to seek God, but sometimes it does seem like a blanket statement and i dont quite understand where its coming from. Sometimes no degree of explanation can replace a heart felt message or the softer side of a Christian's practices. Sometimes thse practices are so important, and are a verbalization of a deeper inner preparation. To be honest, i guess with so much focus being on Christianity and philosopy, much of our conversations are very skeptical. The doubt of miraculous healings. The doubt of spiritual encounters, sometimes ending up very post modernistic and not knowing what to believe. Thus the nature of it, the character is often very task oriented, very philosophical and very analytical. So as I said, yeah, i think I'm too closed when it comes to my daily life, always mainting a look of skepticism when encountering any situation. Theres definitely a lack of trust somewhere around, something that needs to be dealt with quickly. So i guess, what i need is to be more expressive of my faith and practices. They are often sacrificed for the sake of philosophy, my own decisions, or looking stable and sensible. because thats just the way things have been.
So learning learning..a bit more. A bit far from stable or totally resolved still...with my desire to go pursue my own life, versus Gods plan for me. plus alot of other smaller things...oh well..eyes cannot open already..goodnight.
posted by gneh-snah @ 4:10 AM
1 Comments:
hey bro hans. Sorry I just read this post, and methinks we could do with another man to man talk :)
Screw science and have a great day,
Kani
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