there but not there: September 2006

Friday, September 29, 2006

pft

i only want to take 4 subjects...very condemn...and this is one of them. 6 6 6 6 3 3...wah i wish ah. pft.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

old soul

just like the line "have u been a judas to your brother?"
can be translated as, "have you been a traitor?"

so can " have you been a seys-inquart" be read as:

" Have you been a government official in the opposing country waiting for your chancellor to bully the opposing country's chancellor into resignation before you willingly invite your country's troops to enter and take over the opposing country without opposition?"

similarly,
'lines planes and vectors' can be read as:
'turd pile on floor'

seys-inquart for the win

Thursday, September 21, 2006

the little us's

Daniel

Photographer's number one crime, I didn't focus on the eyes when shooting a portrait with a small depth of field. The enlarged version doesn't have them too sharp. heh...

Katelyn
Daniel..again
Timothy

The little us's. The new, equally good looking close gang of smiling affectionate people. Ready to be swung into the orbit of catching,sneaker in the dark, pok pok lao sim and moon cake festival hunts (i wonder if they still have that last one.It was discontinued for us ever since the first cousin went for her O levels..grrr).

What brought these photos together was my uncles passing. Of course i wish that the photos could represent a happier occasion, but i suppose this reemphasizes the meaning of family. Saddened by it? yes very much...and i dont think I can adaquately express the feelings of loss or pain...or the images that cross my mind upon thinking about it. Break down? yes..i think for the first time in awhile, on the third night at the wake. But ultimately, you do realize that family is precious to you, despite the perceptions, feelings of anger, judgement, or disgust that you sometimes hold against them. Sometimes its strange how both can exist at the same time, but you know that most of all, they still love you very much. And its at times like these that you hold through because of family and because of God. As for flashbacks, they came and went, maybe more so for my dad. Its tough yes, but i think its time to attribute more of our hearts to God. To open up and give thanks in times of sorrow. Its time to stop dwelling continuously and asking God for help and clarity without moving. Step out in faith to start claiming on the promises of God, and be assured. i think thats where we lack. The openess of faith to God. Sometimes the human predicament isn't worth dwelling on or experiencing heavily.

Uncles and aunties. It was tiring hearing the crying...watching it, being part of it. More so because it did worsen the pain, and that in itself is tiring...but at least we did it together. So rest, rest in the openess of God's grace and mercy. I think I learn slightly more on how to deal with it each day, as i open up and thank God more and more. Amen.

The LORD bless you and keep you;
the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.
"So they will put my name on the Israelites, and I will bless them."

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the graveHe rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

the effects of brownian motion...herh herh...

when the stars go blue

Friday, September 15, 2006

very much my own man?

I dont think thats quite a good thing. Breakthroughs or break downs in my life have become so foreign that it seems all i think i need is- to go to a good uni, enjoy my pursuit of literature and history (or subjects along those lines) and all will be well. I will then take part in my over romanticized new york archi/journalist/branding career. You know that whole dry intelligent pop culture feel..that is very upbeat, modern and expressive...that would be fun...i almost feel like chasing after it. Actually i do. Alternatively, i could become an academic in the university/ analyst who does journalism part time...all this in a different city where i roam the land and world with my camera. (this is considering...i actually do well in IB and go to a good uni..and then do well enough to become what i want to be...because..getting a phd to lecture...hmm thats not always easy.heh.) After that, i will meet my very humanities based, sensible, humorous and intelligent wife. By intelligent, i hardly mean 88% for a lifetime's worth of chem tests, but rather the ability to analyze with maturity, with a hint of skepticism and humor. Of course the usual blend of an understanding, comforting and caring nature must be present before the astuteness is discovered, but the image of young yuppy success only arrives from the combination of the two. (and the striped shirt, and thick rimmed glasses, and loft apartment..with brick walls and black rims for tall window frames)

More sensibly...as sern put it..she...must just 'know how to think la'.

I'm actually writing this post in two parts, I just got back from church small group and so decided to finish this post up. The above paragraph was written before i left. So..after leaving off on how my wishful post IB education life will turn out, i feel obliged to finish this whimsicle prediction. Before I left for small group, I would have written in a very bitter, sad, placid voice that family, which develops after marriage, would be another round, another generation of internal disagreement, an avenue for extended family self righteousness and more prideful suffering. Not to mention physical ailments that strike someone from the family for no apparent reason. Suffering is suffering la..you cant run away from it. So this was the tone that i had intended to write with. Now after writing it, i feel like sticking with it.

However what I did learn at small group today was that I dont think utter abandonment in routine life is really promoted in my home. Its often, I'm in control first, how should I deal with this situation. Neither is open thanks giving or out loud affirmation of Gods goodness. If God is raised, which is actually quite often, its to do with ministry, philosophy or church. I guess the gentle side is sometimes lacking. The quest to know God deeper is often promoted, but the lacking often lies in the preparation of the heart and the openess, avenue for allowance of God in my life. Ok, to be fair, maybe my dad does tell me to seek God, but sometimes it does seem like a blanket statement and i dont quite understand where its coming from. Sometimes no degree of explanation can replace a heart felt message or the softer side of a Christian's practices. Sometimes thse practices are so important, and are a verbalization of a deeper inner preparation. To be honest, i guess with so much focus being on Christianity and philosopy, much of our conversations are very skeptical. The doubt of miraculous healings. The doubt of spiritual encounters, sometimes ending up very post modernistic and not knowing what to believe. Thus the nature of it, the character is often very task oriented, very philosophical and very analytical. So as I said, yeah, i think I'm too closed when it comes to my daily life, always mainting a look of skepticism when encountering any situation. Theres definitely a lack of trust somewhere around, something that needs to be dealt with quickly. So i guess, what i need is to be more expressive of my faith and practices. They are often sacrificed for the sake of philosophy, my own decisions, or looking stable and sensible. because thats just the way things have been.

So learning learning..a bit more. A bit far from stable or totally resolved still...with my desire to go pursue my own life, versus Gods plan for me. plus alot of other smaller things...oh well..eyes cannot open already..goodnight.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Our virtues are all social

time to revive an old favourite..take some time to read it if u can..heh=)

Best Society by Philip Larkin

When i was a child, i thought,
Casually, that solitude
Never needed to be sought.
Something everybody had,
Like nakedness, it lay at hand,
Not specially right or specially wrong,
A plentiful and obvious thing
Not at all hard to understand.

Then, after twenty, it became
At once more difficult to get
And more desired-though all the same
More undesireable; for what
You are alone has, to achieve
The rank of fact, to be expressed
In terms of others, or it's just
A compensating make-believe.

Much better stay in company!
To love you must have someone else,
Giving requires a legatee
Good neighbours need whole parishful
Of folk to do it on - in short,
Our virtues are all social; if
Deprived of solitude, you chafe,
It's clear you're not the virtuous sort.

Viciously, then, I lock my door.
The gas-fire breathes. The wind outside
Ushers in evening rain. Once more
Uncontradicting solitude
Supports me on its giant palm;
And like sea-anemone
Or simple snail, there cautiously
Unfolds, emerges, what I am.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

hello hello...i'm still alive

hans goes to little india and takes random sticks in a chinese metal shop.

i think this one looks like a painting

was quite an interesting trip i guess...quite enjoyable till it got hot. then came back and got headache after that. didnt quite get the people shots i wanted.like the priest or people along the street..would have been quite rude to walk up to them and snap..but oh well.

have i been reflecting? no not really. honestly i havent been giving myself time to think.which is quite bad...been filling my days with school school council council taking photos taking photos sleep sleep when i have time.(thats for the past few months).but recreational photog must have its limit i guess...and so..photog shall tone down from today..and i shall go study..lol.. i wish i was one of those genius ppl who could like just suddenly turn on studying 2 weeks before the exam and do well..and still be like in 10 million CCAs plus play sports and music. like wow. sigh really ah..4 weeks to final exams..or promos as they now call it. the time fore reflection will come soon i guess. dont be an idiot and go study! heh...

now..for all those who cant stand photography talk and just look away disgusted when ppl start talking about it...u might want to stop reading here...heh.dont worry i used to hate hearing all those stupid technical terms..i still hate the computer stuff..what stupid super multi drive with lightscribe technology...disable Bit, 800MHz FSB (i'm reading off the red sticker on the side of my computer and have no idea what it means) aiyar computer is computer rite. nvm.

so..as i was saying..it was quite hard to take ppl shots or facial expressions without intruding to their privacy.thus...this calls for the hopefull wondrous lens of 70-200 f2.8. http://www.dpreview.com/news/0505/05052003sigma_70-200mm.asp .but....no money.lol.i think thats is a kick ass lens(comparable with the nikor 80-200 i guess..but $200 cheaper)..we're all wowing over it...or at least 'we' equals to zoni john and myself. heh..plus was browsing through some photos of little india online the night before going...and some were really really nice..wonders why i din spot those things when i went. must be not powerful enough. walao eh i sound damn nerd. nvm take hopefully good pictures can already.

oh well. ive lost my usual brooding self today.

cameras..visiting IT fairs ( double -.- -.-) and talking to john 3:16 ppl messes u up.beware...heh....

there but not there