a...natural realization..yes.
i have just realized that i am a bum.the harsh reality is that i am no where near the dream of supreme man of society, with 5 CCAs, astounding examination scores, PSC scholarship interviews lined up and ivy league university acceptance. and of all the times to realize it, i suppose the best time is now, when theres still some time left in the school year.
All this talk about universities and scholarships may seem a little premature, but the reality is that the delusion of these things coming naturally due to some hidden force of wit, charm and supreme intelligence that is supposed to govern my life is sadly...just a delusion. Somehow, seeing it happen so naturally for others has implanted in my mind the image of it occurring as a normal progression for me as well. But at the back of my mind, i always knew, with anxiety in my heart, that i wasnt quite there. Or at least i wasnt one of those bright frumps that these things seem to occur so easily to. But wait, then again, maybe im just being a bum. Maybe these fellars actually work their butts off to get to where they are.
You see, i always thought these Vronskys (minus the bad character traits, and may your impression of him not surpass page 135 as i have only read till there=X) just popped out of no where. i would like to meet them one day, and truly realize for myself that it is not the smarts and charm that run these fellars, but a disposition of maturity, humility and good character that has brought them to that point. I suppose that needs to be developed, slowly, and possibly realizing ones own delusion is a good first step. So sad case right, i cant believe that i actually seriously thought myself to be a humanities virtuoso(of course with the usual anxiety in knowing that it wasnt true, it occured mostly when i tried to defend my flailing chemistry and math results). so if im not a humanities virtuoso, why do i like the subjects? maybe its because i cant do the scientific method for nuts. i just cannot reason according to science in an organized and methodical manner, especially when it comes to pracs...i have no interests in computers and hate any updates in programmes, and...talking nonsense on a poem seems so much more fun. whether im good at it...is another thing...and so...this equates me to being a bum. Un-hardworking, having no regard for anything scientific(although i do realize its importance, not like that redeems my inability), and at the same time i still dont do well with what liberal, abstract and sometimes flimsy subjects i take. maybe my involvement in many ccas would redeem me. but no..i have come to realize, that as many vronsky's as there are that seem to pop out of no where, there are equally as many overly involved, think theyre successful, sportsmen photographer leaders who dont do well in the end. thats quite the other imbalanced persona that i may quickly assume...which is as u know..bad.
And so as i enter my last stage of fantasy, that of the possible overseas university education, i picture this hard pressed ideal of green lawns, autumn air and the ability to read a book and access internet under a tree, that sits comfortably next to a victorian looking school building. (i have been looking through my cousins brown and princeton photos, part of the perpetrators of this overly romanticized easy journey). But then, i figure, i should stop harping on this hopeful dream, and perhaps just work my butt towards it, although the conviction has soon to be developed. I just do hope, that the quest for discovery and learning that i once had, that is now maybe masked by this forced over romanticism and social pressures, or jaded by lousy programmes or the sometimes bitterness of life in general, would someday return, as i try to find the underlying current that governs my life.
but perhaps, at the present moment, its just more or less good to know that i am not that good, over achieving successful frump that i would like to make myself out to be..this..i suppose everyone who knows me knows...and so i dont know why i wanted to kid myself. Must be the social pressures. But then ultimately the cure and remedy to this is to attain my joyous and natural disposition towards life. That natural and joyous disposition to life that comes from an internal decision made of what i want to do. From this, my dong shi-ness(maturity) and hardworking desires should naturally develop. i just hope the jaded slightly cynical but very operational pragmatist doesnt kick in half way...i guess thats what happened early this year when the treacheries of council life began once more. i think it was week 4. yes week 4. i had a brilliant first 3 weeks. hoho. and yes...so now go..and try and lead a well balanced life. i forsee a new realization coming soon, that i would have to reconcile the arm of heavy pragmatism and a resolved outlook towards life soon....but i shall leave it to another day. so...sleep then. how fast these days pass..but i realize...a few days of break churns out good thinking.
i realize today i am quite honest with myself...which is not bad.
posted by gneh-snah @ 8:02 AM
2 Comments:
you can do it man
don't fret
haha really, i've come to realise that in all humbleness (from me), that those humans/science virtuosos aren't as 'virtuoso' as you might make them out to be
they do however happen to be damn mother driven and have some way of working. i know ppl who hate science and may seem much happier in a humans combi but are doing well
so cheer up my brother =) last few months, don't mother care about anything la. you've always thought too much even though i must agree that this post was good for the soul
ehh i mean okay so sum it all up
do u think TIM HENMAN is really a volley VIRTUOSO?
hahha he's not bad la actually, but you get my point
LIOW
lol i get your point.
tim henman wins them at the net...
erherhehe heh heh -.-
must be the tiredness.
but thanks man
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