there but not there: February 2007

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

lizards, bunnies, and other animals

i leave my exam schedule open on the table
and return to find that a lizard has taken a dump on it .
i then strive to believe that the occurence is a symbolic one,
wrought with foreshadowing
and that the greek gods are trying to tell me something.
that the examinations, after being littered upon by the heavens,
would suddenly devalue
and assume the same dried brown undersirable state.
but maybe the kings of literature and destiny itself
are plotting a certain downfall
with the tools of this self fulfilling prophecy.
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choi

Monday, February 19, 2007

a...natural realization..yes.

i have just realized that i am a bum.

the harsh reality is that i am no where near the dream of supreme man of society, with 5 CCAs, astounding examination scores, PSC scholarship interviews lined up and ivy league university acceptance. and of all the times to realize it, i suppose the best time is now, when theres still some time left in the school year.

All this talk about universities and scholarships may seem a little premature, but the reality is that the delusion of these things coming naturally due to some hidden force of wit, charm and supreme intelligence that is supposed to govern my life is sadly...just a delusion. Somehow, seeing it happen so naturally for others has implanted in my mind the image of it occurring as a normal progression for me as well. But at the back of my mind, i always knew, with anxiety in my heart, that i wasnt quite there. Or at least i wasnt one of those bright frumps that these things seem to occur so easily to. But wait, then again, maybe im just being a bum. Maybe these fellars actually work their butts off to get to where they are.

You see, i always thought these Vronskys (minus the bad character traits, and may your impression of him not surpass page 135 as i have only read till there=X) just popped out of no where. i would like to meet them one day, and truly realize for myself that it is not the smarts and charm that run these fellars, but a disposition of maturity, humility and good character that has brought them to that point. I suppose that needs to be developed, slowly, and possibly realizing ones own delusion is a good first step. So sad case right, i cant believe that i actually seriously thought myself to be a humanities virtuoso(of course with the usual anxiety in knowing that it wasnt true, it occured mostly when i tried to defend my flailing chemistry and math results). so if im not a humanities virtuoso, why do i like the subjects? maybe its because i cant do the scientific method for nuts. i just cannot reason according to science in an organized and methodical manner, especially when it comes to pracs...i have no interests in computers and hate any updates in programmes, and...talking nonsense on a poem seems so much more fun. whether im good at it...is another thing...and so...this equates me to being a bum. Un-hardworking, having no regard for anything scientific(although i do realize its importance, not like that redeems my inability), and at the same time i still dont do well with what liberal, abstract and sometimes flimsy subjects i take. maybe my involvement in many ccas would redeem me. but no..i have come to realize, that as many vronsky's as there are that seem to pop out of no where, there are equally as many overly involved, think theyre successful, sportsmen photographer leaders who dont do well in the end. thats quite the other imbalanced persona that i may quickly assume...which is as u know..bad.

And so as i enter my last stage of fantasy, that of the possible overseas university education, i picture this hard pressed ideal of green lawns, autumn air and the ability to read a book and access internet under a tree, that sits comfortably next to a victorian looking school building. (i have been looking through my cousins brown and princeton photos, part of the perpetrators of this overly romanticized easy journey). But then, i figure, i should stop harping on this hopeful dream, and perhaps just work my butt towards it, although the conviction has soon to be developed. I just do hope, that the quest for discovery and learning that i once had, that is now maybe masked by this forced over romanticism and social pressures, or jaded by lousy programmes or the sometimes bitterness of life in general, would someday return, as i try to find the underlying current that governs my life.

but perhaps, at the present moment, its just more or less good to know that i am not that good, over achieving successful frump that i would like to make myself out to be..this..i suppose everyone who knows me knows...and so i dont know why i wanted to kid myself. Must be the social pressures. But then ultimately the cure and remedy to this is to attain my joyous and natural disposition towards life. That natural and joyous disposition to life that comes from an internal decision made of what i want to do. From this, my dong shi-ness(maturity) and hardworking desires should naturally develop. i just hope the jaded slightly cynical but very operational pragmatist doesnt kick in half way...i guess thats what happened early this year when the treacheries of council life began once more. i think it was week 4. yes week 4. i had a brilliant first 3 weeks. hoho. and yes...so now go..and try and lead a well balanced life. i forsee a new realization coming soon, that i would have to reconcile the arm of heavy pragmatism and a resolved outlook towards life soon....but i shall leave it to another day. so...sleep then. how fast these days pass..but i realize...a few days of break churns out good thinking.

i realize today i am quite honest with myself...which is not bad.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

to cousins dear, CNY from home

Its chinese new year, and half of them are in far away lands. Theyre gathered in new york in andrews dorm i hear, cooking up a mini feast. How cool is that, all 5 of them travelling down from whatever state theyre studying in to congregate in NY. Of course the oldest is still stuck in london..but i hope things are cool there too:-) . But cousins! if u want photos from home...ask! so dratty that by the time i get out of NS all of u will be gone...unless of course u decide to do ur masters there...or stay there and work=P hahaha.

i actually slept through most of today...so stupid...missed quite a bit of people coming over, although this years chinese new year seemed kinda muted with people coming strangely later than usual. i didnt even see some of the regular family members. The one who amanda calls smokey joe..or the complete trio of naughty men. But oh well, still did manage to catch a couple of interesting photos..although i think im getting lazy and relying on photoshop too much to cure my technical incompetence.

i worry about school at the same time. its getting quite stressful, taxing..i hate checking my email for fear of some latest development that needs some response to. If it isnt a project from council that needs to be checked on, then its the probably very valuable anna karenina lecture that clashes with YLS briefing this friday...not forgetting the TOK draft that i need to redo, and my EE restructuring. and the looming maths investigation and test. and the history essay, and 2 physics IAs, and two world lit assignments. and many many books to finish reading. and the entertainment that i so desperately seek to enhance and validate my existence.

i wonder what im still doing up. i keep doing the stupidest things, like staying up till 3 yesterday. i think its been so long, that ive forgotten what its like to want to stay up to talk to someone interesting. maybe letting loose and giving in might work...for once..

oh well...happy cousins...i hope ure not too stressed where ever u are...whether ure in beautiful but crazy princeton(i saw the photos in ur brothers cam)...or joyous land brown..central st.martins, vassar or boston...or unknown engineering land cornell....God bless! see u soon i hope!

Thursday, February 08, 2007

today i know about idiots

idiots who are not very intelligent
relegate you to the same standard,
remove all forms of rational thinking
and jade you with multi coloured outfits.

'it all depends' as remarked,
at every given lesson.
critical analysis is judged by the number of examples one gives,
or the number of accurate citations,
goodness, come let us be merry,
and destroy all our thinking

come let us be merry,
and destroy all our thinking

Friday, February 02, 2007

sleep sleep..just sleep...

alamak. please dont say until like that. im not going to shoot myself in the foot. there is still time for effective execution.

all i have to say is.....

imagine not needing to decipher intention from quality of the fact.

the world would be a much simpler place

and the mysteries of teaching and learning, would be in its proper, upright, moral, selfless right.

on another note, i did see sam yesterday with a whole bunch of others, before being chased out by the nurse that insisted he get some rest...it was great seeing him, and i felt glad as well, coz he really looked quite good..standing up, laughing and talking to all of us. Praise God.
lets pray for a speedy recovery for him,and that the Lord may be with Him throughout all the treatment.

then again, besides my dratty week..i suppose some people have been very encouraging and i really quite appreciate it..i feel bad though, that sometimes we arent able to do things that are really applicable to them, and yet they encourage us...i wonder if its because theyre just really nice people. but thanks for the support guys.

imagine school life without all this. i think i would be relieved. happy

but maybe less experienced to the kind of people out there.

there but not there