there but not there

here goes

i am extremely tired, my eyes are heavy, and...i really should be going to bathe, do qt and sleep, but here goes.

yesterday was a terrific day. friends came over, we worked on the design for the news magazine, it turned out great. i liked the designs and we got quite abit done. then, 4 more good things happened later in the day. i got a call from dickson, he said he wanted to meet to discuss some stuff about 'events com' in student council. basically, for the past few months, ive been terribly grumpy and kinda dug a hole for myself because i made myself quite hard to work with. u know the hot cold hot cold kinda impression that ppl get, yeah i think dickson felt it quite abit. so him wanting me to work with his undermanned com made me really glad. especially since its the most happening com of all, and also because i really support/believe in it.

so u see, this gladness kinda carried on to the other people i talked to, i had a great time catching up with a friend from gylc who happened to be extremely bored during her computer applications class in US, and i also had a nice time talking to someone from camp who had just recently accepted Christ. so yeah. it was a good day. plus, my english books for next year had also arrived a few days back and i was opening them with glee. yes with glee. ever heard that? i was opening my english books with glee. why glee? coz, underneath all the...at times, forced sophistication of art and literature appreciation, i really do enjoy good books. when im in the mood for it. so...to heck with all the 'need' to know what im talking about, or the constant quotes and lines of 'thats the post modernistic stand'. to heck with the need to take a stand on whether something looks good or not,and to show that i have a stand and that i understand this area field. if im indifferent, im indifferent. if i dont know, i dont know. if i like it i like it. if i dont, i dont. why? because thats how i feel. if i dont have an opinion. its fine.be me.

honestly honestly, ive been struggling with the constant doubt of the existence of God. its like been at the back of my head for the longest time. i struggle with the thought of what if experiences with God were psychological or emotional and made out by man to be the work of God. and who knows the depths of the human mind to be able to conjure up what ever it chooses. it doesnt have to be experiences where dramatic things happen and theres loud music, but what if sometimes the nature of God that we somehow understand through the quiet work of His revelations is mental?psychological? i feel a slight sense of fear as i write this, a sense of dread? i want to confront this, and to answer this. does that mean seeking and searching all over again? woah its a little scary to even go close to letting go of what im holding onto now in search of the truth. to go and ask a million questions and have a million debates again. maybe this is what the camp theme has been about. 'surrendering the secret places of your heart' maybe this is the biggest secret place of my heart to deal with. amongst the million others of course that I have resolved to deal with with the help of God.u see, its hard to truly hang on in faith and truly walk in his grace and love and His ways when i have this nagging doubt at the back of my mind. whats more, the new person that accepted Christ that i told u about?well, shes been asking questions, and with my nagging doubts, err..if u havent figured yet, im not exactly great at answering or replying.

another thing is this. i've taken a sudden liking to advertisments, to branding and presentations. i like the development of concepts, of understanding what the consumer wants and tailoring a video/ something visual to market an idea. marketing does not equate to selling. Marketing to me, in a broader term means delivering something that the viewer , likes, enjoys. something that appeals to his/her senses. somehow, that goes against the very principals i once held against the consumerism of the world that we live in. that, however minute it may seem now, is one issue that needs to be settled too. u know during church camp i said, God i want to obey You, and even if it means not becoming an architect, and being a missionary, i dont mind. even if it means not qualifying for archi school, which is a great fear, i dont mind. i want to go where You want me to go. and right now i say that even if it means giving up my angsty thoughts against this world,id do it. id work in society if You wanted me to. sometimes the nagging doubts pop up. and sometimes i deal with them by saying 'i dont need to prove that experiences are not psychological because i believe by faith that God exists.' but sometimes i do get the doubts again. and as i said before, its hard to live my life wholly and fully in God's path when i have these doubts no matter whether i want to. its like this struggle sometimes, i feel that God says something, and I talk and communicate back, sometimes with quite abit of conviction, but the nagging thoughts do pop up. so..maybe i'll start asking people my million questions and go rediscover again. its just that sometimes it leaves me very exposed, revealing inadequacies to people that i dont want to reveal them to. ah to heck with that, i'll do what ive got to do to learn and to find out. even if that means showing that i am not suitable to be a youth group leader if i have these doubts? i suppose so. maybe Gods been trying to teach me that ive focussed too much on experiences with God too much. that over reliance definitely did shows itself earlier this year when i tried to defend my faith using my experiences with God. i suppose i over used it until i myself focussed so much on it.

anyway im glad i got this all out. thats just me. it feels.....good. yes?

posted by gneh-snah @ 8:17 AM