to cousin dear,
hey you, how have u been? Ling's having her A's...and im.....im having a headache. actually its a headache/disillusionment/confusion. haha. your moms been buying christmas ornaments from a gay fellar too. she thinks hes really good at designing large sparkly red orbes. no surprises at that. i need that..points to above. maybe greece would provide it. -raises eyebrows- i know alaska did.
i've come to accept the fact that okay...he din do a good job. just let it be..the years over anyway. maybe i was so frustrated because i would have done things so differently but wasnt allowed to. so differently that it would have been at the other end of the spectrum. but somehow im pretty confident that it would have produced results, taking into account the political climate and various other factors at that time.
maybe the fact that we do things so differently is an expression of how different our personalities are. maybe thats why we wouldnt have gotten along all the same. lets see...arts and science, vision and practicality, 2 sides of the story and one side of the story. holding a meeting and sending out emails.
maybe 'and' wasnt the right word. 'versus' would have been better. in a non aggresive form that is. *footnote: non aggressive= tired/frustrated/ tired of being frustrated. u know that feeling?
i think we should have done things the way that involved people. the way that had feelings. the way that was not merely task oriented. the process was definitely more important.
after all that, sometimes theres that lurking question as to whether these feelings are truly justifiable. or if theyre just a lump of bitterness. dont get frustrated hans...its passed. sometimes things just dont go according to plan. plus...u may be blind to certain issues.
and so our prefect Master and new Council Mistress...hmm that sounds weird, council mistress
asked why im not continuing. and the answer has always been the same...i have my reasons. well our prefect master respects that..and i appreciate it. although it seems like everyone including him has been asking why im so moody/floaty/silent about prefect issues. i have my reasons.
' so why dont you?' says the council mistress.
'is it tennis?'
'dont try guessing, he knows' says the prefect master.
'but sir u know that i have my reasons right. as in i know why my decision is such, and im clear on what i want to do.' (then i think...am i?)
' yes yes. i dont doubt you...after working with you for the year' (and i think, maybe i make it seem like i know exactly what i want and its totally justifiable...when....maybe..maybe im not.)
later arthur says 'sometimes its very scary u know, its like u look so (i cant remember the word..moody..deppressive?)'
lets just say...tired..slash frustrated...slash tired of being frustrated.
now moving to issue number two.
for the first time, for the first time i have doubts that a project that matthew and i are setting up will be successful. usually that question doesnt even pop up, because usually, the direction is clear. well now there are alot of variables with the formation of the new interhouse system. gotta settle 80% of the variables tmr. anyway..i shall remain optimistic about that ;)
issue number 3
come to think of it. earlier on, i said that although my prefect master thinks i have clear reasons and i have clear direction..maybe i dont. well..actually i do..its just that now the reality of executing that clear direction seems sad. i wanted a break from everything..try something new...learn the guitar...stop responsibilities,stop politics or the inability to work with some ppl. hang out and have fun. have a quiet life where..if not for training which i enjoy..i could go home almost immediatly after school everyday. or go out for that matter.
but some how i pledged my soul to it for another 3 months. harhar. i suppose its more in a circle where i can actually do my own work this time...house committee...but thats issue number 2...i wonder if we can pull it off. stressful still. be confident! be the confident leader! go ahead with it! if noones going to take the first step nothings going to happen! yes yes. i believe in the cause im working for. i like working whe i believe in the cause.
but after all that...maybe not to house com...but at least for student council..where remnants of the original prefect years lie...i need some closure. some element of letting go and accepting.
gasp...i just realized everything on my blog sounds so depressive..
well heres soemething that im smiling about.
back to the issue on what i really want to do next year. hang out with friends. good clean fun. hopefully after the first 3 months i'll have that. good clean fun, where u actually enjoy their company and not feel pressured. thats why i need to live a quiet life. because the loud popular social life aint having any of that. thats something i'll really enjoy. -smiles-
and this is nice. just writing. without judgement. or an image to maintain with stereotypical posts. just...thoughts.
posted by gneh-snah @ 8:05 AM
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